The Foundation of Love: Choosing Valued Action
When partners reach a point of serious disillusionment, they often believe that the relationship is failing because the feeling of love has diminished. However, a successful, enduring partnership—one that actively works to undgå skilsmisse—is built on much more than passionate emotion. Love, at its core, is a profound and conscious act of will. It is fundamentally a choice that must precede the positive feelings that follow.
This perspective defines love as valued action: intentionally behaving in ways consistent with your deepest priorities, even when you may not feel loving in the moment. For instance, you may choose to make an effort to understand your partner’s desires, regardless of whether those desires seem important or natural to you. If individuals rely only on emotions, which are ephemeral and subject to change, they are unlikely to find long-term satisfaction. The mature choice is to actively commit to actions that enrich the relationship.
Building the Pillars: Tillid, Tryghed, and Respekt
To establish a resilient relationship, partners must build and maintain a strong foundation rooted in Trust (Tillid), Safety (Tryghed), and Respect (Respekt). These are not passive states; they are actively maintained through communication and mutual effort.
A key component of respect is recognizing and accepting that your partner is different from you, with unique boundaries, feelings, and beliefs. You must be genuinely curious about your partner throughout your life. Furthermore, respect means ensuring that when you communicate, the time and setting are optimal, and there is enough time to fully explore the topic. Showing respect first is necessary if you wish to receive it.
Prioritizing Self-Responsibility
A stable foundation starts inward. You must first take responsibility for yourself, ensuring you possess self-trust, self-care, and self-respect, before you can genuinely feel these qualities emanating from your partner. When challenges arise, you are responsible for communicating your own needs and making yourself safe. If you focus only on your partner’s faults or expect them to solve your internal issues, you place an unfair burden on them and miss the opportunity to achieve psychological flexibility, which is essential for lasting intimacy.
Identifying and Defusing the Four Relationship Killers
When couples struggle with the agonizing question of how to undgå skilsmisse, they are often caught in cycles of behavior that actively erode the partnership. Research indicates that four specific behaviors—sometimes referred to as “the four horsemen”—are the most damaging and highly predictive of relational failure.
The first of these destructive behaviors is criticism, which attacks a partner’s personality instead of addressing specific behavior. This differs from a complaint, which targets a behavior that can be changed.
Why Contempt is the Deadliest Weapon
The most corrosive of these behaviors is contempt, which involves acts like sarcasm, hostility, ridicule, or humiliation. If contempt is present, it is often a sign that one partner has already emotionally disconnected. The antidote to contempt is maintaining a sense of fondness and admiration for your spouse, which serves as a protective buffer during disagreements.
The other two destructive behaviors are defensiveness (where partners make excuses or seek to prove themselves right) and obstruction (or stonewalling), which involves withdrawing and refusing to communicate. If you find yourself frequently using these behaviors, or if you perceive your partner using them, it is a significant sign that you are on the wrong path.
The Practice of Compromise and Connection
Couples coaching provides structure to overcome negative patterns and focuses on skills that promote connection. A core requirement for relational health is active effort in understanding your partner.
Starting Conflict Gently
When conflicts arise, it is vital to learn how to start conflicts gently. Instead of using blaming language, partners must stay on their own side of the discussion, articulating their needs and feelings using “I” statements to avoid putting the partner on the defensive.
Active listening is paramount: you must genuinely listen to understand your partner’s point of view before attempting to formulate a response or be understood yourself. Active listening fosters mutual respect and validation. If arguments escalate, calling for a “Time Out” (such as taking five minutes for deep breathing or exercise) can prevent further damage and improve your ability to interact constructively.
Another strategy for longevity is compromise. Even if some conflicts are perpetual and cannot be fully solved, you should remain open to discussion and define areas where compromise is possible. Self-compassion is highly correlated with a greater likelihood of compromise, reducing the emotional rigidity that prevents partners from finding common ground.
By replacing destructive habits with valued actions rooted in respect and commitment, and by fostering communication that prioritizes understanding over being right, you successfully establish the groundwork to undgå skilsmisse and ensure a vital, enduring partnership.
